The usual disclaimers: I don’t own any of the characters, they are in fact owned by Kami Akamatsu Ken Sensei and we must all therefore bow to him. If you havent either read, (or seen Xebec’s pitiful excuse for an anime) Negima then this story will probably not make much sense to you and you should click the Back button on your browser now.
On with the show…
The Adventures of Evangeline and Chachamaru (Eva to Chachamaru no bouken)
Part the firste
The front door to the tiny off-campus log cabin slammed back on its hinges as the tiny vampiroid shape of Evangeline stormed in through it, closely followed by the taller silent form of Chachamaru, seemingly oblivious to her mistress’ anger.
Throwing herself down onto her three seater sofa, the hundred plus year old vampire sulked like a petulant five year old. Chachamaru disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared an impossibly short instant later, carrying a tray bearing a steaming teapot and Evangeline’s favourite teacup; the one with the humerous phrase about British people on it.
Evangeline continued fuming, arms crossed and eyes shooting lightning bolts at Chachamaru as she served the tea without so much as an upward glance. She scowled, and went back to watching the steam spiralling up from her tea. Actual emotions were lost on clockwork and magically powered puppets like Chachamaru.
“Why?” Eva still avoided the other’s gaze. Chachamaru’s movement sensors registered a small tremor in her mistress’ hands, but chose to ignore it as part of her usual temper tantrums, “Why did you let that lying bastard’s son save me?” Not half an hour previously, Negi Springfield, son of the Thousand master, Eva’s “captor” had saved her from falling into the river after the unexpected return of power to the Mahora campus. Evangeline gritted her teeth, “Now I owe him a life debt” she muttered, absent-mindedly cupping her tea.
“It was unfortunate that mistress lost”, said Chachamaru, simply, and moved to return to the kitchen with the empty tray, sensing that the worst of the tantrum seemed to have past.
“Come back here, Chachamaru…” Eva made no effort to disguise the menace in her voice. Chachamaru stopped and turned round, heading back towards the table. Her mistress drained the dregs of her tea in a single gulp, and pushed the coffee table away to one side.
“But I was under the impression that Mistress preferred this in bed.” The sentence was not an objection, merely a statement, but Eva shot her a look anyway.
“I want it now. Get down there you baka robot,” she snapped, as Chachamaru knelt down between her legs. “Un”, she grunted, as she felt firm hands massage at her sensitive spots and her tension start to ebb away. As Chachamaru worked away, Eva’s relaxed, dreamy expression suddenly gave way to emo contortion and the robot was pushed away by the shoulders.
“OW!” she yelled, “BAKA Robot! Why can’t you even do a simple foot massage?” Chachamaru’s expression had not changed, but she was definitely in apologetic mode.
“I’m sorry mistress.” she deadpanned, “it appears that during my last service, Hakase seems to have damaged my foot-massage subroutines”
Evangeline silently raged on the sofa. “What are you going to do about it then, baka-robot?”
Chachamaru ignored the nickname. “I have been researching other human relaxation techniques, mistress,” she began.
“Tried all of them,” Eva interrupted, dismissively. “You tried all of them on me. Don’t work.”
“This is a technique that Mistress has not tried before,” she continued. “I was watching an educational documentary on it on British TV.”
Slight interest filtered through Evangeline’s features. She looked up, “What’s it called?” she asked. Chachamaru told her. Her eyes grew wide as saucers. “That’s…No, Chachamaru, no! You are forbidden to do that to me!” She moved to get up from the sofa, but Chachamaru had gotten a firm grip on her mistress’ flailing arms and pinned them down with supernatural strength. “No! Go do it on Sakurazaki! I don’t swing that way you baka-robot!” Metal clamps appeared from nowhere and secured Eva’s flailing limbs.
“The programme informed me that you would stuggle at first,” Chachamaru’s calm features reflected in panicked eyes. “However, the after-effects of this particular type of massage seem to be quite agreeable, at least, this is what I can gather from the reactions of the people involved.” Eva continued to struggle as the android sank down until only her long metallic ears were visible.
The lights stayed on in the cabin for much longer than usual that evening. Cries of “Ah, ah, that tickles, baka-robot!” and “NO! That’ll never fit in there! OAAARG!” could be heard for a good distance around, and passers by might overhear a robotic voice apologising for not turning on the heating element in her tongue.
Nevertheless, the next morning, a very bemused Negi-sensei was happily greeted by a smiling Evangeline McDowell who actually bothered to turn up on time for his class. “Are you sure you’re feeling OK after last night, Evangeline-san?” he asked.
“Why? Is there something wrong with me being happy?” she grumbled, switching back to her usual mood.
“No…no, nothing wrong with that.” protested a still-confused Negi, as Chachamaru came up to him and bowed.
“After Mistress’ defeat last night, I performed cunnilingus on her from 2000 hours till 0230 hours this morning,” she explained, in her usual deadpan. Evangeline returned to the front and hit her with the largest and heaviest English textbook in her desk. “Is there something wrong Mistress?”
“BAKA-ROBOT! Don’t say that in front of the class! It’s embarassing!!” Evangeline looked round. Most of the girls had gone bright red. Asuna’s mouth opened and closed involuntarily but words were somehow beyond her. Asakura was furiously scribbling down notes into her journalist’s notepad, Negi and Nodoka blankly stared with youthful incomprehension and Setsuna and Konoka had quickly excused themselves to “visit the bathroom”. Eva stormed out.
Her words echoed down the corridor. “BAKA ROBOT! Stop watching late night British TV!”